Read and have fun!!!

SHOP NOTICES
In a bargain basement: Don't go to another shop to be cheated - come in here.
In a hotel: All the fire extinguishers must be examined at least ten days before any fire.
In another hotel: Customers should note that any complaints about rudeness in the staff will be dealt with very severely.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.


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1. Nobel Prize winers

"Economics is the only field in which two people can share a Nobel Prize for saying opposing things." Specifically, Myrdahl and Hayek shared one. By Roberto Alazar


QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."

ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES


Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Funny Instruction Labels

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)



College Entrance Exam
College Football Player Edition Time Limit: 3 weeks You must answer two or more questions correctly to qualify!
1.) What language is spoken in France?
2.) Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3.) Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (D) WRITE A PLAY
4.) What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (B) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic
5.) Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6.) What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?
7.) How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8.) What are people in America's far north called? (a)Westerners (b)Southerners (C)NORTHERNERS
9.) Spell - CAT, DOG, PIG
10.) Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the sixth. Name the previous five.
11.) Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) 7-11 stores (c) cats and dogs (D) THE SKY
12.) Can you explain Einsteins's theory of relativity? (a) Yes (b) No
13.) What are coat hangers used for?
15.) Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium. OR Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS
16.) Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17.Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) Nigeria (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Australia
18.) If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?
19.) What is the phone number for 911?
21.) If Sacramento is the state capitol of California, what is the state capitol of California?
22.) Where does wood come from? (a) TREES (b) Asphalt (c) Steel
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Lawyer One-Liners 

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? * A tick falls off of you when you die.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? * Not enough sand.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? * If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
Lawyer's creed: * A man is innocent until proven broke.
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? * You shoot the lawyer. Twice.


GEORGE BUSH, JR. WITH HIS BLOOPERS

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George W. Bush, Jr.

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. ...George W. Bush, Jr.

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.


"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93


"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.


WHAT IS LOVE?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think.
"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared they won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only do they still love you, they love you even more." Matthew - age 7
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4
"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings." Samantha - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8


And Finally
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.